By Gabriel Hart
I am an unfortunate sufferer of chronic insomnia. While my nocturnal irregularities have improved considerably since undergoing regular hypnotherapy with Jada Wagensomer, I am still one of 50-70 million American adults that struggle with this taunting medical condition. At it’s worse, I will be awake for 2-3 days then finally crash hard for up to 12-14 hours, sometimes sleeping right through my alarm for work. At this rate, I often wonder what was even the use of swearing off methamphetamines all those years ago, as these patterns are eerily similar to those of any bona-fide tweaker. But let this not be some kind of regression of regret, but a journey into unchartered waters. Last Thursday evening, I wasn’t so much tossing and turning in my sleep, as much as I was…swimming.
In the throes of one of my more merciful deep sleeps, I dreamt we were all filing into JW rehearsal like we do every Tueday, Friday and sometimes Sunday. We were setting up, when all of a sudden our guitarist Chris Rager says, somewhat frantic, “Did anyone bring the whale? Who’s turn was it to bring the whale?!”
We all turn and look at each other, not out of confusion but out of disappointment that no one brought “the whale,” as if it was as business as usual as someone expected to grab the 12-pack that week. Marty Sataman and I look at each other, and say, “Alright, you wanna do this? I guess we haven’t gone in a while…”
Jump cut to Marty and I swimming in the middle of a turbulent ocean, navigating the waves considerably well. We treaded water in one particular spot, and waited, as if we had radar for this kind of thing. Suddenly the ocean swelled as if an island was emerging from it, but it was not an island - it was a blue whale the size of a commercial airplane and we were suddenly right on top of it, hook, line and sinker. We began to throw rope around then whole creature and harness the whole thing to our torsos, and the whale was submissive enough to come along, no questions asked, no thrashings dished out, no meals made of us. We swam to shore with this poor behemoth that God forgot and…
…jump cut to the parking lot of our rehearsal space, where there now lie a whale, dead as dead could get dead. Our bandmates came out to survey our newest capture, all rubbing chins inquisitively.
“Shit, how are we going to get it inside the rehearsal space?” someone asked.
“Well, we can just start cutting it up, I guess…” someone else replied.
There we went hack hack hacking away at the thing with large sabers we happened to all be carrying. We cut the whole thing up into hundreds large cubes of quivering bloody blubber, each the size of a bale of cardboard or small couch. We dutifully began carrying each massive piece into the rehearsal space, and stacked tall towers of it wherever there was room.
Again, we stood staring with question marks above our heads.
“Well, what do we do with it all now?” someone asked.
“Well, I guess we could start cooking it up? There’s that BBQ outside that someone left and I think I’ve got a bottle of Sriracha in my car…” said Marty.
Without a word we fire up the grill and start cooking each massive piece, unaffected by the pure foreign gore of the whole experience. We hungrily dig in, some of us feeding each other huge gristly bites too big too get into our mouths, laughing hysterically.
Not long after the feast begins, whale gore covering every inch of our faces, clothes, the ground, our practice space, Chris decides to burst the bubble.
“Hey guys, you’re not going to like this, but I just realized….I’m PREEEETY sure when we were supposed to get the whale, it wasn’t supposed to be taken literally. We were actually supposed to make that new song just sound as BIG as a whale!”
A wave of depression washed over us, now sadly chewing on the big fish. This quickly turned into contagious and triumphant hands-on-hip laughter that spread to all nine members, once we realized what a silly, silly mistake we made, but what a delicious, delicious meal we also made as a result.